Moving Forward Not backward

 

Hello everyone, it's me, Tessa. Here is a little update and a brain dump.

At the end of December 2023, I decided to move on from somebody; that decision was long overdue for so many reasons that I will not get into in this blog post because I have gotten into it previously, and I don't want to give this person the satisfaction of knowing that this person it's getting some attention.

For the first couple weeks, I was utterly devastated, and I felt like second life was so different to me; it felt like I was stumbling in the world where I had felt so secure for so many years before this person ever entered my life.

I didn't even speak to what friends I had left because I didn't know where to start.

Even now, as I'm writing this, I'm having a hard time finding my words because what I have gone through does not even feel or sound like me looking back on the situations, and what I allowed myself to become is so mind-blowing to me Because it goes against everything that I believe in and what I stand for.

Four months after that decision, it still feels like I'm stumbling into my second life like I am back in 2010, just getting to know my second life for the first time. It's a feeling that is so strange to me.

Up until recently, I even had a hard time finding something that I could see myself in regards to skin shape and even makeup, and with that came the feeling of not even wanting to be in second life, which also is mind-blowing to me that I'm even saying those words because to me second life it's not something that I could see my life without because it's a massive part of it.

One night, I decided to reach out to an old friend. We had made plans to speak on voice a couple of weeks prior, but real life got in the way. It was late for both of us. Hence, I just started typing out everything I had been going through over the last two years, three years, however long it's been. In the end, that was precisely what I needed. I also told this friend I was having difficulty finding a shape that represented me, especially in the face.

This person has always been incredible at making shapes, so I asked if I could have one of their shapes just as a starting block, and this person didn't hesitate to give me a shape. I also paid for it because it is wrong not to pay for somebody else's shape.

My old friend went to bed, and I stayed up fixing and tweaking my shape until I could see my face in shape. As soon as I could do that, I felt a huge relief off my shoulders because seeing myself within the shape was the most important thing for me.

With that huge relief came the feeling of being incredibly sexy, and with the sexy feeling came the photography. My confidence has gone from complete rock bottom to shooting through the sky. I have taken so many pictures that choosing which ones to post on my Flickr is hard. When I do take pictures, I want to upload them the same day. Usually, I snap the picture and upload it to Flickr within 10 minutes. I don't need to upload as fast as possible, but I've always done that, so it's automatic.

I reflect on the memories with this person, mainly during the night when I am most productive. For some reason, the memories I have with this person are not all bad, but I look back on them and think, "What the fuck happened to me?"

In my life before this person, I would never settle for a person like this. I would never let a person change me like this person did, and we are not talking just about second life. We are talking even in my first life. I can't even fathom how this person picked away at me like I was some wooden object that needed to be sculptured into what they thought was perfect when, in reality, I was already perfect. I can't wrap my head around how significantly manipulated I was, even brainwashed. Yes, you can say, "Oh, come on! It couldn't be that bad! It's second life! Why didn't you block him?"

Please keep your opinions to yourself until you have gone through what I went through.

The title of this blog post is Moving Forward, Not Backward, and although it may seem like I am stuck in a backward mode, this is how I process things out of my system so that I can move forward and essentially let go of this person bit by bit.

I have always processed things through writing, which clears my mind completely.

Since breaking all contact with this person, people I haven't seen in a long time, we're talking years, have come back into my life through a second life. They have done small things just to put a smile on my face.

It feels incredible to be wanted and desired the proper way.

Through this experience, I have become stronger than I ever thought I could be, and I have set boundaries for people and myself; for example, in my profile, I have put the following statement:

I won't chase a man if my absence does not bother him. My presence never mattered.

I think that I don't need to explain what that statement means, but I am tired of being the one who constantly reaches out to other people who continually start the conversation and always give it my all; how about flipping the script and people who are in my life they take the initiative of talking to me reaching out to me so on and so forth.

Now, if people can go months and months and months without talking to me or just reaching out, or whatever the case may be, then I don't matter to them, and it doesn't matter if I am in their lives.

Since putting this boundary in for myself, I have started actively cleaning my friends list. I even asked a friend if it was rude of me to think this way or take people off my friend's list. He said, "Bottom line, people need to respect you more."

When he said that, I felt so empowered because it was precisely how I felt, and I felt validated because somebody else thought the same thing.

A woman like me often gets misunderstood for being "clingy" because I am always the one taking the first step, as I've said, so I'm flipping the script. After all, I don't want people to think that I can't be alone or be without people who do not respect or value me.

I am a woman who loves hard and deeply, which has brought me a lot of sadness through the years, but I still take a leap of faith in people because I don't want to miss that one person who can "see me."

Women like me often get rejected because of how we love people and how strongly we love them.

I have gotten used to being left standing alone while the other person has chosen someone else or is going down a different path. It's wild how used to being rejected I have become. I've gotten to the point where I don't even bother being sad anymore because people cut ties too easily, especially in second life.

Moving forward, I am still in the process of finding the way back to some form of "me," but I know one thing is for sure I am stronger than ever 2024 is my year, my turn to come back, my turn not to give a shit.

I am ready.

/Tessa

♥Thank you!♥

 

Hello everyone, it's me, Tessa. I hope you all are doing well. I am getting more and more back to myself, which is lovely. I still have some hurdles to overcome and get past, but I am getting there.

Yesterday was my favorite time of year, which is Valentine's Day. Many of you know that my first-life husband and I don't go out of our way to celebrate anything except our wedding anniversary.

When showing love for one another, why does it need to be a specific day you go all out? Why can't it be every day?

 (I do say first-life husband because I don't see the difference between second life and what most people call real life. They are both real lives to me.)

Regarding Valentine's Day, for me, especially within Second Life, I love the colors, the romantic feel, the roses, the hearts, the teddy bears, and so on.

Even in my first life, my husband has told some friends, "My wife becomes like a little kid again when she sees all the roses and balloons, not to mention the teddy bears! When I saw her reaction to a teddy bear and roses, I knew she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with."

Yes, the comment made me cry.

Something about Valentine's Day has me all giddy and dorky inside. Because creators within Second Life usually go all out with decorations and gifts, it becomes 110% more intense.

Because of what I have been through in Second Life these past couple of years, I didn't expect anything from anyone because I lost so many friends and play partners due to my choices back then. I had yet to have the expectations of getting anything from anyone.

So I started my day by getting the tiny love of my life out of her bed when she needed feeding and a diaper change. It was a very special day, except it was Valentine's Day, and my daughter turned two months old. Time flies by, and I want to hit the "slow motion button."

She is the one thing that keeps me going on the ground through dark times. Yes, I know she's not real, but I choose not to think or see it that way, and it's my choice.

When I breastfeed her, I tend to go into my deep thoughts by spending some quiet time with her. I reflect a lot during that time and got my thoughts in order.

Second life has changed a lot for me. I don't know if it's because of the things that I've been through or if the world is evolving, but it feels strange to me sometimes, and as I've said, I can't put my finger on why it feels odd to me I guess I was isolated for so long that I didn't think much of it until now.

I find myself thinking back to the time before all the shit went down, how outgoing, how's openly provocatively sexual I was, the play partners I had, how close I was to some of them, and so on.

As I was sitting there feeding my daughter, I decided to go into my inventory, and by accident, I clicked on the recent tab, and the received items folder was Showing. I thought, wait a minute, I haven't bought anything? I opened the folder, and a lingerie was set in there. I softly started to smile even though I was baffled, so I opened my e-mail because every time I buy something from the marketplace or receive something, I get an e-mail about it.

A very long-term partner of mine had bought me a gift with the words.

"Because you are sexy without even trying and deserve it!"

When I saw that, I became very emotional because he is probably the only person who knows the depth of what I've been through and what it has done to me physiologically and even physically.

I cried a little, and then I decided to try the lingerie on. I must admit it is not a color I would have picked for myself, but to my surprise, it looked good on me, showing how well he knows me.

At this time, he was not online, so I decided to show him a picture when he came online again instead of writing him a message.

Of course, I will show the picture here because some curious eyes are out there that do not necessarily have access to my Flickr account, so here you go.

I never thought I would get into taking pictures again, but it feels like I have been rolling out the pictures like a conveyor belt these past couple of days, so that's another sign that I am returning to myself again.

Among other things, I received flowers and even a vanilla chocolate Dick that had me beaming and laughing at the same time because I knew that this person would pick that from my wish list, if anything.

I am so eternally grateful for everyone who went out of their way to think of me and get me the gift. Having each of you in my life makes my day a little bit brighter.

There has been a request to take a picture of All the gifts I have gotten surrounding me. I am still determining how  I am going to do it, but the picture will be up in the near future.

I'm going to be a bit of a brat and say that if you want to get me something, you can find my wish list on the right side of the page, and I will also link it here.

until next time ♥ /Tessa

She is 35 days old already!

Hi everyone, it's Tessa. I hope you all are doing fantastic. I'm sorry I haven't updated this blog in a while. You know how it goes by now.

As I played with my daughter on the floor today, I realized she was already 35 days old. Where has time gone?

This will be a baby update and a brain dump, so get ready.

I have been through a lot these past months, days, weeks, whatever you want to say. Still, I also have found that I have grown a lot as a person, and I am finally starting to feel like I'm getting back to my “old self” again, which feels lovely but also scary at the same time because I have not had this freedom for so long, Dad. I don't know what to do with it. I am so used to being unable to do what I want in second life because it didn't please this person.

Before I continue, I want to clarify that I am not talking about my first life relationship with my husband.  Our relationship is tremendously solid and will not break for anything.

So let's continue….

Even though I am so incredibly happy to have my freedom back to do what I want to be creative to be my naughty self again, I am terrified and nervous. I am constantly thinking about what if I heard this person's feelings or if I said something stupid to this person.

I know that this mindset is due to the psychological and emotional abuse that was put on me for about two years straight, and I know that the scars I have emotionally will probably never go away. You might think this is crazy, but until you have been in their position, I was, please don't judge me.

Some days, I feel fine and back to some version of myself again, but then some days, I withdraw back to being home alone, not talking to anyone, and mostly just standing around.

What's crazy is that I want to reach out to him again, but of course, I stopped myself because my freedom now is 10,000 times better than I had when I was with him. Don't get me wrong, most days with him were wonderful, but then there were those days that have scarred me forever.

I couldn't see it back then, but those wonderful days were his love-bombing me to return to his old ways again a few days later.

Moving forward, I've started making new and wonderful connections that I never thought I would have again, and it feels terrific.

A few days ago, another blast from a very recent past decided to come back into my life again and to be honest; I've had a tough time trying to forget this person and move on just because of how things ended.

By the end of it all, I was more confused as to why this person even had reached out to me again because this person didn't make any sense whatsoever. The only thing I became very clear on was that I didn't want this person anymore. The drama that comes with this person is something I don't want. After that day, it was like, “Yeah, I'm done with you.” This person did not look like they did when I first met them. It was a shock for me, not in a good way.

One of my very close friends had to come over to try and help me make sense of what this person was trying to accomplish by reaching back out to me.

While telling my friend what had gone down, he had as many questions as I did regarding the situation.

The one thing that has been constant in my life is my daughter Sofia. I take care of her every day and feel like a mother. It's the most beautiful feeling you could ever feel. Being a mother is one of the biggest dreams I have had in life, and coming to terms with the fact that I will never be a mother in my first life has been very hard, so to be able to experience motherhood in second life has genuinely helped me More than I can say with words I know she's not real but to be honest with you the more advanced the Zobby babies get, the more real she becomes to me.

My daughter is my everything; my daughter brings out something within me that I never talked about that I could experience, and for that, she is very accurate also.

I can't explain how having a baby in my second life has impacted me positively.

For all the men out there who think that if they are interested in me, they would have to take on a baby, you're mistaken. My daughter is my responsibility; she is mine, and I wouldn't push her on to anyone.

While we are on the topic of potential relationships, I have found it very hard to find people who connect with me on a mature, intelligent level; when I go to certain places in second life, I get hit on yes, but most of the time, it's not even flattering or intriguing for me I feel like “Meh”…. Before I continue I want to say this is my personal opinion so don't come after me.

I feel like most of the men in Second I've forgotten how to talk to a woman in a respectful, polite manner before jumping into the bedroom. I mean, they would never go up to a woman who is a stranger and say, “Ohh can I fuck you today, baby?”

When I see IMs like that, I don't even respond.

Peak my fucking interest! It makes me want to get to know you. It makes me want to lie down in bed with you.

Second, life is and will always be a virtual reality. Finding love or love connections would be much easier if people stopped trying so hard to be something other than themselves.

One thing with me that's never going to change is how I view second life. As I said, my second life is a virtual reality, and I will always 100% be myself. I will not role-play; I will not “play someone.” I'm not. Who I am in my second life does not differ one bit from who I am in my first life; the only different thing is the fact that I am walking in my second life; in real life, I'm using a word chair that's all there is even how I look in second life it might not be 100% accurate. Still, if I don't “see” myself in the way I look, I won't stop perfecting myself until I do.

I have said this for many years: second life is not a game. It's a reality.

The sooner people realize that the sooner people will see second life from a different perspective and maybe just maybe be a little bit more open to 2 possibilities and feelings.

/ Tessa                                                

My Christmas is Fucking SAVED and im going to SLAY *Sponsored by Beautiful Dirty Rich*

 Hello, everyone. This post has run a little bit behind, and I'm sorry for that.

The creator behind Beautiful Dirty Rich has done it yet again!

The brand Beautiful Dirty Rich was one of the first brands I ever bought clothing from when I came to Second Life, and over the years, she has just gotten better and better and better; that's why I keep going back to her and her brand because not only do you get so much bang for your buck but the quality of the clothing is phenomenal.

No, I am not getting compensated to say what I am saying to you. This is my genuine and honest opinion, and that's how it's always going to be when I get sponsored by somebody.

When I saw this outfit, I just knew I had to have it because it screams Christmas to me; it screams.

"Last Christmas I gave you my heart" feeling.

Ladies and gentlemen (the gentlemen are hopefully going to buy this for their ladies)

I give you the *B.D.R.* Nevada -Lounge Set-

(BOOTS DO NOT INCLUDE)

Do I have to say anything else?

You get 12 solid

and 20 Nordic colors with your purchase, totaling 32 different textures. Let me say that again: 32 different textures!

This was my go-to outfit after giving birth in second life, and that says a lot for me.

Here is a peek at the HUD and the textures. On the HUD photo, you will be able to see all the different sizes that she supports

This fabulous outfit is currently available at the Frost-E Fest, which runs until the 31st of December, 2023; after the event, the outfit will be moved to the beautiful, dirty, rich main store.

Thanks again to the creator behind Beautiful Dirty Rich. You never disappoint, and you keep getting better and better. Please keep doing what you are doing. My second-life wardrobe would not be the same without you.

♥/ Tessa

who knew?

 

Hello everyone, it's Tessa here.

I hope you all are doing well. I am doing fantastic, thank you.

I wanted to come here and do a quick brain dump to get my thoughts in order and talk about this little cutie you see here.

As always, I don't know where to start when it comes to a brain-dumping post, but I will try my best to start somewhere.

So, my daughter was born on the 14th of December, 2023, after 14 long hours of Labor. No, that is not a number; I'm just making up. I was in Labor for 14 hours but with some sleep in between. It has been my absolute joy since she came into the world.

To be able to be a mother in second life is something very, very deep for me. It's beyond anything I could ever have imagined feeling. I know that she's not real, but the feelings I have is something I can't even begin to describe to people. I don't expect everyone in Second Life to share my thoughts and opinions and see Second Life the way I see it. Still, the reason I started this whole blog, to begin with, was to be unique and authentic and show people that it's OK to get emotionally and sometimes physically invested in someone or something. Yes, I have been pregnant before in second life, but it had been a long, long time since I was able to go almost full term and have a baby to hold in my arms in the end.

Like I said, I know she's not real, but this is as close as I am ever going to experience what it's like to be a mother, so for me, she's real.

Every time she wakes up for a feeding or a diaper change, or when she wants her mommy, it's not a chore for me. It's an honor and something I take very, very seriously. I have chosen to surround myself with people who understand me and understand why I see second life realistically. Every time I get to do something for my daughter, it's an honor because I know I can't do this without second life.

Every morning, I wake up to her sounds. Are you going to her room? I talk to my daughter because, as I said, this is real to me, and everyone around me knows this.

Sure, there have been times in my second life when I felt like I was the odd man out because I was realizing in one way or another that I was seeing things very differently from how others were seeing it. And in the end, I have backed off or changed my opinion to not feel like the odd man out. Still, I can help the police report that that won't be happening ever again. This is me. This is how I do it; if you don't like it or you think I'm weird for doing it a certain way, I don't need you in my life if there's one thing I have learned through my pregnancy and also through something that has happened to me in second life not too long ago is that you have to surround yourself with people that will bring you the fuck up. Not bring you the fuck down.

 

As I was in Labor, I had a lot of time to reflect and feel my emotions with each passing moment; I could feel myself going back to being my core self again; my mind was very clear and calm, and I felt like saying to the world, "if you don't understand me as a person that's OK if you don't know how I see things that's OK if you don't understand me and where I come from that's OK too but I don't need you in my life."

Why would I have people in my life who're just going to turn around and stab me in the back? And to be honest with you, it's not the backstabbing that hurts. It's when you turn around and see the person holding the knife.

So settling for second best or second place or second place anything is now over, and that goes for every single aspect of my second life And real life for that matter, but in real life, I have never settled for second best anyway.

Every time I look into my daughter's eyes, I get reminded that no matter how much shit people try to throw at me, how much shit people try to drag me through, no matter how many packs of stabbings I get, I always have to stand the fuck up and move on.

Who knew that such a little thing, such a beautiful girl, could bring me back the peace and confidence I needed?

Who knew that my daughter would become the most important thing I have ever done and ever will do in second life?

Most people reading this blog post won't or can't relate to my topic. Still, when I tell you that this experience has changed my life, I really mean it, and I genuinely hope that a few people out there can relate to this blog post and see it from my eyes.

It's true what they say once you become a parent, it truly changes you for the better, no matter what you have been through.

/Tessa

Motherhood so far.

 Hello everyone. I am exhausted but delighted and content Tessa here.

The Blackwood household had a very early start to our morning with a baby girl waking up around three times a night so far; I know I shouldn't complain because I know that there are babies out there that refuse to sleep all through the night, so I am very appreciative that my baby girl only wakes up three times a night so far.

I am still trying to get to know my daughter. I know that sounds strange because I had her in my tummy for around eight months. But what I have learned so far is that from the day she was born, I had to get to know her all over again and listen to her sounds and realize that not every time that she makes a sound or cries is a time when she desperately needs me sometimes she babbles away being very content, so I have to tell my mother instinct that "she is fine just give it a few moments before rushing over there."

I woke up to her making lovely sounds on my baby monitor. Still, soon after the sweet sounds, she started to cry, which is a beautiful sound by itself, so I got up. I fixed my hair before entering her bedroom, told her good morning, picked her up, and walked around before settling into my breastfeeding chair. I usually breastfeed her for about 1 1/2 hours each time she needs to feed. During that time, I felt the closest to my daughter; I stroked her face and whispered, making her feel calm.

After I breastfeed her, I change her diaper, and with a hot, soapy washcloth, I make sure to gently wipe her face because if she is going to turn out anything like me, I know for a fact that she does not like Her eyes being a little bit clogged with what I call tired ice.

After I changed her diaper and wiped her face, it was time for a quick bath. I discovered that my daughter does not like water, which is not precisely body temperature. I don't know if that's a newborn thing or just her thing, but yeah.

After we both got ready for the day, I decided to take her out for the first time. Boy, was that an experience. People didn't say anything to me straight out, but we could feel them looking and smiling, and of course, some people were annoyed by the fact that there was a crying baby in a store.

I tried to finish my shopping as quickly as possible because she was not settling down and being happy in her car seat, so I had to do the "new Mama sprint" all over. When we got home, I quickly got her out of the car seat and changed her into a onesie And socks, which seemed to be the outfit she was most comfortable in now.

I took her downstairs and put her in her mamaroo in front of our TV to see how She would react. At first, she had this look on her face like, "Ummm. Mommy, what is this thing?" Of course, I just smiled and strapped her in. As soon as I turned on the mobile above her head, she became very content and relaxed, which pleased me because I could have some time to myself but still be with her.

While I was out on the town, a package arrived. Yeah, I looked in my inventory, and one of my friends, whom I have known for years and years and years, bought me a breast pump. Yes, there is such a thing in second life. I jumped for joy because about 24 hours earlier, I had contemplated buying it myself but held off on it.

When my daughter was happy and content with her Mamaroo, I decided to turn on the TV and watch the cartooned motion of Beauty and the Beast to see how my daughter would react to sounds and music.

Just before I turned on the TV, she was a little fussy trying to find her place even though she was content, but as soon as I turned on the TV, she calmed right down and just started to hang out.

I decided to be on the sofa and pump my breast milk even though I breastfeed her, I just wanted to know what it felt like, and I know for a fact that my breasts produce a lot of milk, so I thought to myself, it can't hurt to pump out a little to give my breasts a little bit of the break.

So my daughter and I happily watched Beauty and the Beast, hanging out and enjoying our time together, being very peaceful.

I don't know if this is realistic, but I did pump my left breast for about an hour and then my right breast for about an hour.

This breast pump is fantastic because it has realistic sound and everything, and I love it when something is interactive and has natural sounds.

There's one thing I do with this breast pump; as far as sizing goes, I don't think it's very realistic, so I would rather have it a bit smaller than what it is, but it's a beautiful product nonetheless.

As the movie ended, I was amazed that she was still awake. I left the movie running because it had a beautiful song at the end; when the music was over, I looked over, and she had fallen asleep calmly. Every time I look at her, I still can't believe that I was a part of growing her, and now that she's here, I can't take my eyes off her.

 

As of right now, she is still sleeping. That's why I can take this little time to myself and blog. Motherhood in Second Life is one of the most rewarding and uplifting experiences I have had in second. Life, if you haven't entirely understood it yet, I will repeat it: second life is not about role play for me; it's not a game to me; it's a virtual reality, so everything I do is taking life it's real to me it's not just play however I do respect people that do you see this as a game or a role-playing thing but for me it will never be a game or a role-playing thing.

/Tessa

And Just like that, it was "Go time" My Labor and Delivery.

 I woke up on the 13th of December, 2023, and felt something was slightly different, but I could not put my finger on it. So I went on about my day. If you have been following me, you know that I have been going through a little bit of a rough time lately with my second life, and I have been feeling; it's not often that I use the word depressed, but this time, I think I'm going to have to. I have been feeling depressed over everything that has been going on, and all the drama surrounding it made me think about whether the right should stay in second life or not. I thought I had made up my mind a few days ago, but then something positive happened, and I felt like I could move on because everybody was telling me I made the right decision. I made the right call for myself. But still, there has been this feeling of trying to find my footing again, but it seemed that I couldn't.

I had no motivation, and I was not looking forward to anything, which is not like me at all before all of this; I used to be able to move on and not think about it, but I think this time because it had been going on for so many years in second life. Then, when I finally got out of that situation, it was like the old me was gone.

Then a few weeks after that, another shit storm in second life when down the course, I was caught in the middle of it. I fell head over heels for somebody I shouldn't have. All of them thought they were playing me for a fool when, in actuality, I saw right through it because that's part of my gift. I can get into that another time, but I wanted to give you all a little information as to why things went down the way they have.

As I said, I went shopping occasionally, trying to get my mind off things.

It had been on my mind for a few days that I maybe could make a post on my Flickr saying that I was looking for a birthing partner because I didn't want to go through labor and delivery by myself.

But my mind kept returning to this one person who had been on my mind for months regarding labor and delivery and how I wanted it to be. I knew that he was the one person who could pull this off with me and take it deadly seriously without even having to blink.

I had been going back and forth, trying to muster up the courage to ask him to be there with me.

I finally wrote him a message, and then the waiting game started.

I didn't think he would respond to me, but then, on the third day, he did respond; his response was more than I could ever have hoped for. I thought it would be this awkward discussion and everything like that, but when we started talking, he never left.

From the get-go, he was attentive, even when talking about stuff other than the labor part; he was right there.

So we talked, and we talked then, around midnight second lifetime, I started to feel this pain in my lower back. It was not horrible, but I could feel it at first; I thought it was just back pain because she had been kicking so much, but then as time moved on, the pain slowly but indeed made its presence even more substantial and around 12 20 PM, I said to my friend “something is up,” and he kinda listened to my voice. He said, “Maybe keep an eye on things for now,” so we did, and we talked, the more intense my back pain started to get.

Suddenly, this massive wave of dull pain set in kind of like all over my body. All I could say was my friend's name, which I said in a very “I think something has started “voice.

All he said was, “Yes.” And we both knew this would be happening sooner rather than later.

I did my breathing exercises, and we just kept talking. He was watching something in his real life, and I was lying on my bed in my second life, so yes, he was not in my second life, but he was still with me on discord, supporting me through my pain when I needed it and just talking with me.

It was still very early, so I wanted the contractions or whatever they would go away. But as time passed, I realized that this would not go away. My friend was very attentive and supportive, like a partner should be, and he made me feel the recall and the situation; for him and me, it was expected to proceed with everything on voice. I know that may sound weird to people, but to me, it's a way to connect and experience something like this. I knew that giving birth in my second life was always going to be something very personal to me and that I would need someone that could be with me at the moment and not feel weird about it. I can tell you this: if the words “perfect partner” had a face and personality, it would be him. He was with me for about 7 hours, never leaving my side. When he needed to go to bed, he said, “If anything changes, call me, write to me, keep me in the loop” about three times to reassure me that he wanted to be a part of this experience 100%.

We kept talking for a little bit until he finally passed out.

I stayed up a little bit, bouncing on my birthing ball. I looked out of my window, and it suddenly hit me that so many people have invested in this pregnancy, but I have had to let them go by myself. I don't have anybody else but him.

There were times during my labor and delivery when I had tears streaming down my face because it was so real for me. This goes back to something I always say: second life is real to me. I don't put on an act; I don't play a character; I am just being me. My friend knows this about me, so there has never been a question or anything like that about how he would approach this because he approaches things as if they were real. After all, to us, it is real. Maybe not everything he does on his end of things is real for him. Still, he would never throw it in my face.

After a little bit more bouncing on my birthing ball, I needed to go to the bathroom, and of course, when I was on the toilet, I got a contraction from hell, so I sat on this toilet for about 10 minutes straight trying to figure out how I could get myself off of this toilet I tried to move. However, in the end, I decided to remain still until the contraction was over, and I was able to go to bed and “lay down with him.”

(it is now the 14th )

After a few hours of sleep while trying to sleep, at least He woke up straight away and asked me how I was doing and if anything had changed. I told him that I tried not to wake him up because I knew he would need his sleep. He said,” Babe, I told you you could wake me up if you needed me. It's okay.” Once again, he made my heart melt. We texted a little bit before we decided to do a call. I got back on the birthing ball; I was about 4cm dilated and still kind of in denial, haha.

Once again, my friend knew exactly what I needed from him without having to ask him for it, and that just goes to show how deep of a connection you can have with the person if you just let yourself have it and be in the moment. The contractions got stronger and stronger, and then suddenly, we were at the point of no return because my water broke. I looked at my friend, and he looked at me, and I said,” Hope to God that was Pee and not my water breaking.” I could hear his smile and slightly smirk when he said,” Well, the only thing to figure that out is to smell it.”

As I softly laughed, I looked at him with a “Are you serious?” face.

I bent down, and sure enough, it was not P. It was Water. I looked at him and said that does not pee; it's water. He looked back at me and said,” Well, that means it's gone time.”

And go time it was; I had been in labor for a total of 10 hours, maybe more, when my water broke. My contractions were massive, and my friend started to time them so that we would know when it was time to move me over to the birthing pool. The whole time, he was very attentive and very romantic. Let me repeat this in case you haven't understood this yet: we were On Voice the entire time, from start to finish. I think I had about six or seven contractions on my birthing ball before I finally told my friend it was time for the pool. We didn't time every contraction, but the last one I had on my birthing ball was about 3 3 minutes apart, and they left it about 2 minutes. My friend helped me get into the pool and positioned himself so that I could hang from around his neck, facing him.

By this point, I was in a lot of pain, and again, I had a few tears go down my face because it was so realistic for me. I tried to control that part of myself, though, because I did not want him to know that I was getting emotional about it, although I don't think he would have minded if I had told him that I was crying.

My friend checked my dilation after about 3 contractions and said, “When you have the next contraction, go ahead and push.” When I heard him say that, I felt very calm and ready to do what my body needed.

Although I knew that this was what my body needed to do, I was in a lot of pain, and I screamed, I hyperventilated, I cried, and my friend was just in the moment with me the whole time; he was telling me” it's OK oh here it's OK you can do this,” and even when I said haf screaming “I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this” he said “yes you can you can I promise you”

I think I had about or pushes and Sofia bus in my arms. My friend and I just sat there, and I told him thank you, and he said,” You did it.” you did it,” “Of course you're welcome.”

As things calmed down, we talked about other stuff as I was holding my daughter, and after a little bit, my friend had to take care of some stuff in his real life, and now, I'm sitting here blogging to you with my daughter on my breastfeeding pillow feeling like I have just turned a new page in this book called second life.

/Tessa