Moving Forward Not backward

 

Hello everyone, it's me, Tessa. Here is a little update and a brain dump.

At the end of December 2023, I decided to move on from somebody; that decision was long overdue for so many reasons that I will not get into in this blog post because I have gotten into it previously, and I don't want to give this person the satisfaction of knowing that this person it's getting some attention.

For the first couple weeks, I was utterly devastated, and I felt like second life was so different to me; it felt like I was stumbling in the world where I had felt so secure for so many years before this person ever entered my life.

I didn't even speak to what friends I had left because I didn't know where to start.

Even now, as I'm writing this, I'm having a hard time finding my words because what I have gone through does not even feel or sound like me looking back on the situations, and what I allowed myself to become is so mind-blowing to me Because it goes against everything that I believe in and what I stand for.

Four months after that decision, it still feels like I'm stumbling into my second life like I am back in 2010, just getting to know my second life for the first time. It's a feeling that is so strange to me.

Up until recently, I even had a hard time finding something that I could see myself in regards to skin shape and even makeup, and with that came the feeling of not even wanting to be in second life, which also is mind-blowing to me that I'm even saying those words because to me second life it's not something that I could see my life without because it's a massive part of it.

One night, I decided to reach out to an old friend. We had made plans to speak on voice a couple of weeks prior, but real life got in the way. It was late for both of us. Hence, I just started typing out everything I had been going through over the last two years, three years, however long it's been. In the end, that was precisely what I needed. I also told this friend I was having difficulty finding a shape that represented me, especially in the face.

This person has always been incredible at making shapes, so I asked if I could have one of their shapes just as a starting block, and this person didn't hesitate to give me a shape. I also paid for it because it is wrong not to pay for somebody else's shape.

My old friend went to bed, and I stayed up fixing and tweaking my shape until I could see my face in shape. As soon as I could do that, I felt a huge relief off my shoulders because seeing myself within the shape was the most important thing for me.

With that huge relief came the feeling of being incredibly sexy, and with the sexy feeling came the photography. My confidence has gone from complete rock bottom to shooting through the sky. I have taken so many pictures that choosing which ones to post on my Flickr is hard. When I do take pictures, I want to upload them the same day. Usually, I snap the picture and upload it to Flickr within 10 minutes. I don't need to upload as fast as possible, but I've always done that, so it's automatic.

I reflect on the memories with this person, mainly during the night when I am most productive. For some reason, the memories I have with this person are not all bad, but I look back on them and think, "What the fuck happened to me?"

In my life before this person, I would never settle for a person like this. I would never let a person change me like this person did, and we are not talking just about second life. We are talking even in my first life. I can't even fathom how this person picked away at me like I was some wooden object that needed to be sculptured into what they thought was perfect when, in reality, I was already perfect. I can't wrap my head around how significantly manipulated I was, even brainwashed. Yes, you can say, "Oh, come on! It couldn't be that bad! It's second life! Why didn't you block him?"

Please keep your opinions to yourself until you have gone through what I went through.

The title of this blog post is Moving Forward, Not Backward, and although it may seem like I am stuck in a backward mode, this is how I process things out of my system so that I can move forward and essentially let go of this person bit by bit.

I have always processed things through writing, which clears my mind completely.

Since breaking all contact with this person, people I haven't seen in a long time, we're talking years, have come back into my life through a second life. They have done small things just to put a smile on my face.

It feels incredible to be wanted and desired the proper way.

Through this experience, I have become stronger than I ever thought I could be, and I have set boundaries for people and myself; for example, in my profile, I have put the following statement:

I won't chase a man if my absence does not bother him. My presence never mattered.

I think that I don't need to explain what that statement means, but I am tired of being the one who constantly reaches out to other people who continually start the conversation and always give it my all; how about flipping the script and people who are in my life they take the initiative of talking to me reaching out to me so on and so forth.

Now, if people can go months and months and months without talking to me or just reaching out, or whatever the case may be, then I don't matter to them, and it doesn't matter if I am in their lives.

Since putting this boundary in for myself, I have started actively cleaning my friends list. I even asked a friend if it was rude of me to think this way or take people off my friend's list. He said, "Bottom line, people need to respect you more."

When he said that, I felt so empowered because it was precisely how I felt, and I felt validated because somebody else thought the same thing.

A woman like me often gets misunderstood for being "clingy" because I am always the one taking the first step, as I've said, so I'm flipping the script. After all, I don't want people to think that I can't be alone or be without people who do not respect or value me.

I am a woman who loves hard and deeply, which has brought me a lot of sadness through the years, but I still take a leap of faith in people because I don't want to miss that one person who can "see me."

Women like me often get rejected because of how we love people and how strongly we love them.

I have gotten used to being left standing alone while the other person has chosen someone else or is going down a different path. It's wild how used to being rejected I have become. I've gotten to the point where I don't even bother being sad anymore because people cut ties too easily, especially in second life.

Moving forward, I am still in the process of finding the way back to some form of "me," but I know one thing is for sure I am stronger than ever 2024 is my year, my turn to come back, my turn not to give a shit.

I am ready.

/Tessa