Today, you came into the world kicking and screaming, And it seemed like you didn't want to leave the comforts of my belly even though my contractions had started early the day before. I felt like I was prepared even though I felt unprepared at the same time.
Oddly
enough, you came into the world at the right time and moment.
My life was
a complete mess. I had no sense of stability. Before your arrival, I had people
who didn't deserve to be even remotely close to me. I realized that now.
I was only
30 weeks pregnant with you when the contractions started. I was home alone.
Earlier in the week, I decided to cut people out of my life because all they
did was bring me down and confuse me. I was very close to letting my emotions
get the best of me and reaching out to someone who had no business being in my
life in the first place.
I walked
around my house, looking through my contacts, seeing if I could get a hold of
someone. In that moment, I have never felt more alone.
Then, I remembered
a friend I had lost contact with due to many circumstances. I looked up the
"phone number" and stared at the screen for what felt like an eternity before I
started typing. I was unsure what to say to this person and didn't remember
what I said.
I sent a
text, and barely five minutes passed before he responded, "I can try to help
you as much as I can; call me."
I had to
read the message repeatedly to ensure I was reading correctly. My eyes kept
fixating on the words "call me," I thought to myself. "Even though he had not
been in my life for ages, he didn't hesitate to answer me." My thoughts left me
stunned for a moment.
Nervously,
I hit the "call" Button. The phone rang three times before he picked it up and said,
"Talk to me." When he said that, tears started rolling down my face. I started
with a shaky "Hi, how are you?"
What
transpired over the next 14 hours I hardly can put into words. I know that
during those 14 hours, I started to pick myself up piece by piece, pieces that
I never thought I could put back again.
I felt like
I was going through so much more than just labor; I felt like I was healing
myself from the inside out, from the humming, through the rocking back and
forth, through the closeness, and the screaming and panting. I think I was screaming
out More than just labor pains; I was screaming for my freedom and for me to
take back myself from the person who turned me into someone I didn't recognize
into someone I didn't want to be.
When I
finally held you in my arms, and the new chapter of motherhood began, I knew I
had experienced something powerful within myself.
Being an
independent mother is lonely even in a second life, but I refuse to see this
type of independence as a weakness. Of course, my biggest dream within second
life is to find that person who comes home, walks through the house into my
daughter's bedroom, sees me breastfeeding, leans his arm against the door
frame, and smiles at me as he says, "Hi, beautiful. I missed you, both of you."
I don't know if the person will ever come into my life. I hope and pray that he will
someday, but until then, I am perfectly happy with being an independent mother
to one of the most beautiful girls the world has ever seen. Happy three-month
birthday, my Princess.
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