♥Three months ago….♥

 

Today, you came into the world kicking and screaming, And it seemed like you didn't want to leave the comforts of my belly even though my contractions had started early the day before. I felt like I was prepared even though I felt unprepared at the same time.

Oddly enough, you came into the world at the right time and moment.

My life was a complete mess. I had no sense of stability. Before your arrival, I had people who didn't deserve to be even remotely close to me. I realized that now.

I was only 30 weeks pregnant with you when the contractions started. I was home alone. Earlier in the week, I decided to cut people out of my life because all they did was bring me down and confuse me. I was very close to letting my emotions get the best of me and reaching out to someone who had no business being in my life in the first place.

I walked around my house, looking through my contacts, seeing if I could get a hold of someone. In that moment, I have never felt more alone.

Then, I remembered a friend I had lost contact with due to many circumstances. I looked up the "phone number" and stared at the screen for what felt like an eternity before I started typing. I was unsure what to say to this person and didn't remember what I said.

I sent a text, and barely five minutes passed before he responded, "I can try to help you as much as I can; call me."

I had to read the message repeatedly to ensure I was reading correctly. My eyes kept fixating on the words "call me," I thought to myself. "Even though he had not been in my life for ages, he didn't hesitate to answer me." My thoughts left me stunned for a moment.

Nervously, I hit the "call" Button. The phone rang three times before he picked it up and said, "Talk to me." When he said that, tears started rolling down my face. I started with a shaky "Hi, how are you?"

What transpired over the next 14 hours I hardly can put into words. I know that during those 14 hours, I started to pick myself up piece by piece, pieces that I never thought I could put back again.

I felt like I was going through so much more than just labor; I felt like I was healing myself from the inside out, from the humming, through the rocking back and forth, through the closeness, and the screaming and panting. I think I was screaming out More than just labor pains; I was screaming for my freedom and for me to take back myself from the person who turned me into someone I didn't recognize into someone I didn't want to be.

When I finally held you in my arms, and the new chapter of motherhood began, I knew I had experienced something powerful within myself.

Being an independent mother is lonely even in a second life, but I refuse to see this type of independence as a weakness. Of course, my biggest dream within second life is to find that person who comes home, walks through the house into my daughter's bedroom, sees me breastfeeding, leans his arm against the door frame, and smiles at me as he says, "Hi, beautiful. I missed you, both of you."

I don't know if the person will ever come into my life. I hope and pray that he will someday, but until then, I am perfectly happy with being an independent mother to one of the most beautiful girls the world has ever seen. Happy three-month birthday, my Princess.

My labor and delivery

 

 

 

 

Late night gym session

 Hello, everyone. This is yours truly, Tessa. I hope you all are doing well. I am doing fine, thank you.

I decided to get a little blog post while at the gym. (Thank God my dictation device can't pick up on my breathing pattern.)

How have I been since my last blog post?

It has been a roller coaster of emotions for sure. A couple of blasts from the past have been trying to reach out to me again, but I have repeatedly shut them down, and I will continue to do so until they stop trying.

Other than that, my days have been filled with "mom duty," which I love. I have also tried not to be at home as much, but then again, someone once told me, "Why have a home if you are not going to be home and enjoy it?"

So that's my excuse from now on, and I'm sticking to it!

For those of you who have been following and reading my blog for a while, you probably Remember Me talking about an intense whirlwind romance I had with a man at the end of last year. I am happy to report that I am so over that dude. I have been over him for a while. Still, the final straw was when I saw him again in January, I think it was, and Oh my God, he had changed his physical appearance so much that I was saying to myself as he dropped down into my house, "What the actual fucking hell have you done to yourself?" He didn't hear this as I did not have my mic activated yet.

I am a person who says stuff straight out without sugarcoating anything, but I have enough self-control not to bash somebody else's looks in their faces. You might think it's shady, but it's polite.

I have looked at his profile once or twice, and I chuckle every time because this person's ego is way up in the clouds, and it shows through.

I am not 100% back to myself, and I will never be considering what I have gone through. A while back, I revamped my second life profile, which has made people understand me better, but I still get the people who are into the whole ghosting culture. I think I spoke about this in my last blog post that I have started clicking my friend's list because I feel that why should I have people on my friend's list who are simply not going to talk to me or even try to hang out with me except for that one time? It's just ridiculous to me.

My life is slowly settling down again after feeling so "up in the air" For so long.

Over the last two weeks, returning to the hotel business in my second life has crossed my mind more frequently, but I don't know if I want to do that again.

Having a job again in second life would be nice because that is what I like to do. I have my blog and photography, but still, there is just that little something missing for me.

I usually let second life lead me to decisions and opportunities, so I will be open-minded and see where second life takes me this time; it will not be backward, that's for sure.

I better get off this treadmill before my legs turn into spaghetti, and I can't make it home.

See you guys next time!

/Tessa

Moving Forward Not backward

 

Hello everyone, it's me, Tessa. Here is a little update and a brain dump.

At the end of December 2023, I decided to move on from somebody; that decision was long overdue for so many reasons that I will not get into in this blog post because I have gotten into it previously, and I don't want to give this person the satisfaction of knowing that this person it's getting some attention.

For the first couple weeks, I was utterly devastated, and I felt like second life was so different to me; it felt like I was stumbling in the world where I had felt so secure for so many years before this person ever entered my life.

I didn't even speak to what friends I had left because I didn't know where to start.

Even now, as I'm writing this, I'm having a hard time finding my words because what I have gone through does not even feel or sound like me looking back on the situations, and what I allowed myself to become is so mind-blowing to me Because it goes against everything that I believe in and what I stand for.

Four months after that decision, it still feels like I'm stumbling into my second life like I am back in 2010, just getting to know my second life for the first time. It's a feeling that is so strange to me.

Up until recently, I even had a hard time finding something that I could see myself in regards to skin shape and even makeup, and with that came the feeling of not even wanting to be in second life, which also is mind-blowing to me that I'm even saying those words because to me second life it's not something that I could see my life without because it's a massive part of it.

One night, I decided to reach out to an old friend. We had made plans to speak on voice a couple of weeks prior, but real life got in the way. It was late for both of us. Hence, I just started typing out everything I had been going through over the last two years, three years, however long it's been. In the end, that was precisely what I needed. I also told this friend I was having difficulty finding a shape that represented me, especially in the face.

This person has always been incredible at making shapes, so I asked if I could have one of their shapes just as a starting block, and this person didn't hesitate to give me a shape. I also paid for it because it is wrong not to pay for somebody else's shape.

My old friend went to bed, and I stayed up fixing and tweaking my shape until I could see my face in shape. As soon as I could do that, I felt a huge relief off my shoulders because seeing myself within the shape was the most important thing for me.

With that huge relief came the feeling of being incredibly sexy, and with the sexy feeling came the photography. My confidence has gone from complete rock bottom to shooting through the sky. I have taken so many pictures that choosing which ones to post on my Flickr is hard. When I do take pictures, I want to upload them the same day. Usually, I snap the picture and upload it to Flickr within 10 minutes. I don't need to upload as fast as possible, but I've always done that, so it's automatic.

I reflect on the memories with this person, mainly during the night when I am most productive. For some reason, the memories I have with this person are not all bad, but I look back on them and think, "What the fuck happened to me?"

In my life before this person, I would never settle for a person like this. I would never let a person change me like this person did, and we are not talking just about second life. We are talking even in my first life. I can't even fathom how this person picked away at me like I was some wooden object that needed to be sculptured into what they thought was perfect when, in reality, I was already perfect. I can't wrap my head around how significantly manipulated I was, even brainwashed. Yes, you can say, "Oh, come on! It couldn't be that bad! It's second life! Why didn't you block him?"

Please keep your opinions to yourself until you have gone through what I went through.

The title of this blog post is Moving Forward, Not Backward, and although it may seem like I am stuck in a backward mode, this is how I process things out of my system so that I can move forward and essentially let go of this person bit by bit.

I have always processed things through writing, which clears my mind completely.

Since breaking all contact with this person, people I haven't seen in a long time, we're talking years, have come back into my life through a second life. They have done small things just to put a smile on my face.

It feels incredible to be wanted and desired the proper way.

Through this experience, I have become stronger than I ever thought I could be, and I have set boundaries for people and myself; for example, in my profile, I have put the following statement:

I won't chase a man if my absence does not bother him. My presence never mattered.

I think that I don't need to explain what that statement means, but I am tired of being the one who constantly reaches out to other people who continually start the conversation and always give it my all; how about flipping the script and people who are in my life they take the initiative of talking to me reaching out to me so on and so forth.

Now, if people can go months and months and months without talking to me or just reaching out, or whatever the case may be, then I don't matter to them, and it doesn't matter if I am in their lives.

Since putting this boundary in for myself, I have started actively cleaning my friends list. I even asked a friend if it was rude of me to think this way or take people off my friend's list. He said, "Bottom line, people need to respect you more."

When he said that, I felt so empowered because it was precisely how I felt, and I felt validated because somebody else thought the same thing.

A woman like me often gets misunderstood for being "clingy" because I am always the one taking the first step, as I've said, so I'm flipping the script. After all, I don't want people to think that I can't be alone or be without people who do not respect or value me.

I am a woman who loves hard and deeply, which has brought me a lot of sadness through the years, but I still take a leap of faith in people because I don't want to miss that one person who can "see me."

Women like me often get rejected because of how we love people and how strongly we love them.

I have gotten used to being left standing alone while the other person has chosen someone else or is going down a different path. It's wild how used to being rejected I have become. I've gotten to the point where I don't even bother being sad anymore because people cut ties too easily, especially in second life.

Moving forward, I am still in the process of finding the way back to some form of "me," but I know one thing is for sure I am stronger than ever 2024 is my year, my turn to come back, my turn not to give a shit.

I am ready.

/Tessa