Reflection's and thoughts

Hello everyone hope you all are doing well? My post before this one was a bit of a brain dump for me; I just needed to clear my head of all the thoughts that were going around.

If that post seemed a bit all over the place, I do apologize, but then again, this is my blog. I write the content for the blog, so if some posts are a bit all over the place, that's because I am all over the place in my thoughts, but I need to get them out somehow.

I have always been a true believer in using a book to just braindump in, and then when you feel like you are finished,  just close the book, put it back on the shelf, and just leave with it. That has been something that has genuinely helped me in my struggle, and I still do it today.

In my Last Post, I talked about how second life feels foreign to me, saying that that feeling is slowly. Still, surely I have my ideas on what was causing me to feel that way, but yet I can't really pinpoint it still. Still, I am just happy that it's resolving itself and going away because that was truly the strangest feeling I have ever felt in my entire life, and I'm not over exaggerating.

As I'm writing this post, I'm sitting in a charming cafe in second life. It's very calming and relaxing and helps me gather my thoughts correctly before putting them down on paper.

When I sit here, I tend to start reflecting on the past and how the past is affecting me now. Even though I don't, I want it to.

I was married in second life for, I would say, about 18 months, but The thing is, I was alone 98% of the time. I was literally married to a ghost because my second life partner was also my second partner in real life. Even though we both decided that he would not be present in second life, I still felt forced to stay married to him in second life.

Now yes, second life is virtual reality. What I could have done was just divorce him, and it would have cost me 25 lindens, but I felt that if I did that, he would have taken that as an insult because he would literally think that I would be "divorcing" him in both worlds.

Looking back on that, I should have just divorced him and been done with the whole partner in second life thingy because he wasn't even there. He didn't even care about what I was doing in second life, so every day, several times a day for 18 months, I had to explain to people why he wasn't there. There were literally people thinking that he was my alt, meaning my own second account in second life.

These past 18 months have really changed me. It has changed how I am as a person, how I deal with things how I function because I always hear his voice at the back of my head talking down to me or about me saying that I have changed so much I have moved swings, and so on and so forth.

 

When I would stand up for myself, he would almost immediately make me feel that I was dramatic or stupid, even just by how he would look at me when he was reacting to what I was saying. I know I said a couple of posts back that I wouldn't bring up something like this because it didn't belong on the Internet, but I figured I am not giving you the whole story; I'm just giving you snippets of what led me to make the decision I did.

For the first year of our relationship, it was beautiful. Everything great. He was very affectionate, loving, and so on, but the last eight months of our relationship were brutal. I think he became more relaxed, and that's when he started to show sites of himself that I genuinely didn't know he had.

It got to the point where my real-life husband said to me," OK, enough is enough kick him out. He is not respecting you, and he is not respecting your wishes, and I won't stand by watching you be treated like this."

 Before it all came down to this, I had really tried so hard, so hard to make it work because I genuinely believed It would get better between Him and me, but it never did. It got worse and worse.

I want to clarify I am not talking about my real-life husband here; I'm talking about somebody I met in my second life, and we decided to take our relationship to the real world. Yes, my husband was perfectly OK with this, Because we are Polyamorous!

So again, I am not talking about my real-life husband, my real-life husband, and I have a rock-solid marriage.

Looking back on it all, I should have ended it as soon as I felt that something was not sitting right with me. I should have ended it when I saw him change right before my eyes, but I didn't.

Slowly I'm getting back to myself, but to be honest, it's going to take me a while, but I guess you have to start somewhere.

/Tessa