I have to figure out where to go from here.

 

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. Again, things have just been a roller coaster. I don't know how many of you have read my post titled “What the hell happened?”

Long story short, I was ghosted by a 26-year-old boy. I say boy because he was not mature whatsoever. Go back and read the post if you want to know more.

 

His ghosting put me on a downward spiral, to say the least.

I talked to my real-life husband about going for a checkup at the doctor's, where they test for everything. About a week later, I get UTI infections that I've had about 150 times in my lifetime so far. So I went to the doctor and got prescribed antibiotics; however, the doctor wanted to run a few more tests to ensure nothing else was wrong.

And that's when the hospital circus began. The doctor got the test results back, basically told her that I was in the acute stages of anemia, and every single test that she ran came back abnormal.

My B12 is almost nonexistent, my folic acid is nonexistent, and my blood count is at a three. You should have between 70 and 150.

I also had a kidney stone, and I also have 0.8 percent fatty liver.

So there has been much going back and forth to the hospital, doing a bunch of tests, trying to figure out why my body is like this.

I have been under the impression that because of my disability I can't be on birth control due to the risk of blood clots so my periods have always been very very very heavy so they put me on birth control for the first time in my life to try to control bleeding from my menstrual cycles because as it turns out I have been bleeding so much that my menstrual cycles should have killed me. I always thought that I just had him be periods, but that was not the case.

So I'm now on birth control for the rest of my life, probably, but I would rather take that than be dead.

However, this doctor listened to me and understood what was happening.

I have religiously been tracking my body and its behavior for the past two years or so because I was so sick and tired of people not taking me seriously in the medical profession, so I took matters into my own hands.

We went through the folder that I had with me, and trust me, this is not a small folder; this is huge.

I don't know how to keep myself from bursting into tears, but somehow I did.

He continued, saying, “You can't do anything about this without medical help; your body simply doesn't know what to do on its own.”

He also said, “You no longer have to fight against your body. I will help you. Do you understand what I'm saying to you?”

 

Thirty minutes later, I walked out of the doctor's office with the medication waiting for me at a pharmacy and with the diagnosis I had been suspecting my entire life.

 

My entire life, I have told the medical professionals over and over and over again that there was something wrong with my body, and every single one of them has just swept me under the rug without listening to me.

 

I don't think I'm ready to disclose more than this right now, because there was a stigma around this topic, and there was a stigma around having this disorder.

 

Because my life is yet again on this new path, I have felt increasingly out of touch with my second life.

It has become mundane and boring; there are glimmers of hope for a second life. Still, nothing more than that, I feel myself drifting away from second life more and more. I feel like I'm just tired of the bullshit, and nobody seems to hold themselves accountable for anything that they do anymore.

 

So this is sad to say, but I have slowly but surely started to fade second life away from me.

This started to happen when the 26-year-old boy decided he couldn't handle being an adult, so he ghosted me to avoid probably getting his ear chewed off by me and my real-life husband.

I gave that relationship every ounce of my being that I had left from being severely abused by my ex for three years before the 26-year-old boy came along.

My heart has just shut down now because either I get abused, somebody else gets chosen over me, or I'll just get ghosted on. So I have literally just given up on everything that has to do with second life and happiness because that clearly does not exist in second life.

So yeah, I have to figure out where I am going from here because my life will never be the same.

/Tessa