Hello, everyone. I hope you all are doing well. I am getting better and better each day.
This time has flown by, and I can't believe I
have been out of his grip for 60 days.
That's not
to say that it has not been challenging; it has, but not as hard as I
thought it would be, not as hard as the other times when I have fallen back
into his grip. 90% of that is because of the powerful
saying that came into my head one night. I have spoken about it plenty of times
before, but having that moment of absolute clarity was so powerful.
“Take them
back!
No,
seriously. Take them back until you get tired of taking them back; then, it
won't be so hard to let them go.”
When this
saying came into my head, it was like a light switch that came on, and I just
said to myself,” What the fuck am I doing? I would never let anybody else treat
me this way, so why have I given this man three years of my life? Why have I
given this man so much of myself when I know deep down that he doesn't fucking deserve
it?”
This was
the moment I stopped grieving, longing, and wanting him.
I can't describe the moment in another way, but it was so powerful that I felt like I had forced myself back from him.
I catch
myself thinking about him sometimes. Not too long ago, I saw him in a store ad, and
I was a bit taken aback because, knowing that I had blocked him in any way I could,
I was not prepared to see him that way.
I felt
nauseous. I didn't want to unfollow the creator he did the store ad with, so I turned
to a few friends to speak to them about how I felt. That was also the day I
realized that the people whom I saw as my friends, Were not my friends in the
end, which is sad, but I am currently in my” I don't give a flying fuck
about what people think of me” mood. I was talking to a now former friend of mine,
and this person knows what my ex put me through in great detail; what this person
came back to me said after I wrote to them about what
happened cost me to take a step back and realize the people you think will
be there for you when you need them most likely won't be.
I won't explain what this person said, but we are no longer friends. I blocked
this person.
A long-time
friend who has been by my side has taught me not to give so many chances to
People.
If you feel
that people are doing wrong to you, there is no reason to keep them in your
life.
Most days, I
have had to get used to being alone in Second Life. I clearly remember one day when I was logged in for 15 1/2 hours with nobody saying a single word to me. I have had weeks where Second Life has been this way for me, but they happen way more frequently now. Like
I said, it has been something I have had to get used to, unfortunately, but it
is what it is, and you have to keep going.
Luckily, I
have my beautiful daughter to keep me busy. One of my absolute favorite moments
with her is when she is nursing. It is at that time that I feel very close to her. I can just sit with her and stroke her face and body while she is
nursing from my breast, and I have noticed that this is also a time when I
reflect profoundly on things that matter to me.
I don't
know if people will think this is weird of me, but I took a small video of myself breastfeeding my daughter; the sounds she makes are
also very soothing to me, at least.
Being able
to breastfeed my daughter is a big part of the reason why I have not
transitioned her into a toddler yet, even though she's nine months old; if I do
transition her into a toddler, I won't be able to breastfeed her.
So, I am
holding off on that decision for as long as possible.
During this
time, I have also noticed that as soon as I try to tell people my story regarding what happened with me and my ex, people suddenly start backing away
from me, running in the other direction, or completely ghosting me.
It's pretty funny, but at the same time, it's not. People seem to be trying to ghost me gently, but they don't understand that I can pick up on everything, and I mean every little thing. I can pick up on changes in behavior. Changes in how they type and speak, all of a sudden, go from being hot and heavy into conversations with me to being cold and not even responding to what I'm saying to them. I can pick up on every little thing, and even their energy shifts towards me, and in the milliseconds, they change their mind about me. I feel it.
I hope that
second life gives me brighter days soon, and I hope I meet that one person who
just can't keep his hands off me and craves me as much as I crave him.
/Tessa
